P.S. I Love You

This entry was written shortly after I had watched the movie P.S. I Love You. Yes, a love movie. I’ve always indulge myself in love movies because I live in it. People often say that by believing in love stories, we are lying to ourselves. But, who’s the real fool? People who believe in love? Or people who don’t believe in love? I believe the latter is the fool…

Sometimes, I feel that I think of nothing but love, and there’s some truths in it. I always think of love and I am that kind of girl who believes in love and everything related to it. After my recent broke up, there’s time when I don’t believe that love will ever exist in my life but that's not going to happen. I will always be in love with someone.

Someday, somehow, I will find my own Gerry like Holly did. He might have passed away after their marriage but her love made him a real man, and I know that someday, when my right, significant other shows up in my life, I’ll be a real woman, and I will be his *smile*

I don’t care how many times my heart is going to get hurt or how many break up I will encounter because I believe, someday, that’s special someone will seize and love me passionately as how I will love him. Someone who will listen to me and all the craps I said and still think that I’m cute. Someone who doesn’t laughs at my dreams but laughs along with me. Someone who is brave enough to make me his wife and loves me for the rest of his life.

Until then, I will live my life like it’s the last one. I will be happy and I will wait for HIM… to love me.

I don’t want to be afraid of love, anymore *smile*

This Is A Mad Mad World

“This is a mad, mad world”, I have been repeating this phrase for quite some times lately. It sounds convincing and right, at least in my world…

First, is about the madness in my college. The security system in my college is currently in the “Red Alarm” state. Apparently, they have found a Peeping Tom in my college since few weeks ago and this lascivious lecher is still a free man, they haven’t caught him yet and everyone is living on tenterhooks. I found this act extremely despicable. The block which I am living now has been his target *sigh* It is such an unnerving feeling to live in such environment, anything can happen… After causing so much commotions, I started to question his civic consciousness (does he even have one?).

It is a thought provoking time when our private life has been contaminated by such intruder and yet the qualms do not end here, to make matter worst, some of the people here are so blinkered in their views and frankly, I do not know how to deal and live with them. I used to think university is a wonderful land where everyone treats each other nicely because of the knowledge they possess. Oh boy, was I wrong, it seems like, the higher we go, the tougher the path is to catch up with. Within these few years, I have encountered quite a number of unscrupulous characters which breach the trust in our relationship, especially friendship. The existence of this kind of people really dampens my enthusiasm in treating everyone fair and nicely. I am forced to adhere to the rules of games which they are playing in order to survive. I have to endure one fake smile after another. Sometimes, I want to forgive them, I really do. I believe everyone is born as a good person, it’s the environment which shaped them to such spiteful characters and I empathize them… and yet, when bitterness and hatred have congealed in my heart, it is too painful to forget and forgive…

Whether you agree or not, it is an undeniable fact that we are living in a mad world. The material civilization which we are archiving does not help our souls to develop nor cleanse it. Everyone is busy pursuing something that they believed they desire and yet that particular something does not lead them to anything but self destruction. Maybe we all should stop all this madness and turn our heads to look behind, perhaps we will see what is left behind, which is the ultimate kindness which we were born with… if everyone does that and practices a merciful demeanor towards each other, the equilibrium world which I have been envisaging for so long will be a reality and “live happily ever after” is not just fairy tales…

I Will Love Again

I always think that I like the weather when it rains, but it turns out that I even like the weather after it rains. It’s not too cold, it’s not too warm, it’s just nice *smile*

Found myself do a lot of thinking lately, there’s still one question lingering in my mind. What purpose do I serve as I live? I don’t have the answer yet but I reckon that as I grow older, I will find that answer eventually. Maybe it’s like the rainbow, it is there but it just hasn’t appeared yet. I should be more patient in searching for my “rainbow ” which I believe will lead to the happiness which I have been longing for.

Feel pretty lonely lately, it’s not a bad thing though, it’s just a familiar feeling which has gone for a while and now had come back to be with me… Learning to live with it now, guess it will be with me for quite some time… I know this feeling too well, it’s not something painful, it’s just me…

I Will Love Again – Lara Fabian

Did I ever tell you how you live in me
Every waking moment, even in my dreams
And if all this talk is crazy
And you don't know what I mean
Does it really matter
Just as long as I believe

I will love again
Though my heart is breaking, I will
love again
Stronger than before
I will love again
Even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
Heaven only knows, I will love again

People never tell you
The way they truly feel
I would die for you gladly
If I knew it was for real
So if all this talk sounds crazy
And the words don't come out right
Does it really matter
If it gets me through this night

If I'm true to myself, nobody else can take the place of you
But I've got to move on, tell me what else can I do

I will love again
One day I know, I will love again
You can't stop me from loving again, breathing again
Feeling again
I know, one day, I'll love again

Love Hurts

Life goes on, despite the “heart-ache” which I’m still experiencing and the post broke up trauma which I’m doing my best to cope. Despite all this, life is as ordinary as it has always been...

Now is the study week for the 3rd semester in my university life. I went home last weekend, I will give anything to be with my family now but I’m aware that if I stayed at home, I will get distracted easily so eventually I dragged my lazy bumps and came back to UM to s.t.u.d.y..

Being away from home frequently now, I cherish every moment I spend with my family. Last Sunday, I went for a mother-daughter one day trip with mama. I told her everything about my life and I know she is sad and worry for me regarding this whole broke up thing but she has been so supportive, I feel so guilty all of a sudden because I’m not exactly a good “mommy’s girl” but mama has always been the best in my life…

I found out that, people often let me down, men let me down, friends let me down… the list goes on… eventually I started to lose hope on people that I used to trust… Guess I don’t have much luck in relationships *sigh* But I know one thing, my family never let me down and they are the ultimate hope which I bear in my heart everyday *smile*

I’m single now but I know I’m not ready to mingle yet, the post broke up pain is tremendous and I’m terrified to go in or near that circle now… Maybe I should give time time because I know…. Time heals…

Love Hurts – Sabrina Adam

Love hurts, it’s like an unfinished sonata,
It’s like a broken cord,
It’s like a girl without a boy,
And it’s like me without you…

Love hurts, it shattered the dreams I had,
It vanished along with the hope I kept,
It awaken me from the plan I made,
And it stole my heart and made it dead…

Only Time

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

(interlude)
Dee dah day, dee dah day, dee dah day
Dee dah doe day doe, dee doe day doe

Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love lies (dies)?
Only time...

(interlude)
Dee dah day, dee dah day, dee dah day
Dee dah doe day doe, dee doe day doe

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...

(long interlude)
Dee dah dah dah
Dee dah dah dah
Dee dah dah dah
Dee dah dah dah

Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

And who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

Who knows?
Only time...

Who knows?
Only time...

Eventually, this beautiful relationship came to an end... Our differences are pulling us apart from each other day by day. Differences between two deeply in love persons are something amusing when we first just met because curiosity is always a mysterious veil which we wanted to pull off from each other in order to be together. However, when life gets serious, this veil started to come between us and strangled us gradually. We were left with no space for air and this suffocating circumstances intervene and in those brief moment when we thought we were about to die, we realized that, maybe we are not destine to be together.

I used to imagine growing old with him and now it seems like the most distant dream ever...

Now, I’m on my own... like I used too... Will I ever get used to this? Will this jaded heart be strong? Will this broken smile fade away? God knows...

I wish to fly away... to a distant land where dream will really do come true...

It’s not the end of the world and yet my little heart feels somber...

A Good Day

I've got my Italian oral test result today and extremely content with it. I used to think that no matter how hard I tried, I won’t excel in my academic as well as my course mates do because in my class, I am not the best student so I often feel a bit shy and have quite a low self esteem. However, it shows today that, if I really put my heart on something, I won’t be disappointed with myself. I am grateful… It turns out that God is FAIR *smile*

Met Kak Maz today, she doesn’t change much, still using the same handphone ring tone which I kind of miss especially when I reminisced those days when we worked together till dawn in order to get the letters and task done. I’ve always told people that being a secretary is a hard task but somehow I guess it attaches to me now, maybe I am too shy to admit it… but I 'm actually very proud of being a secretary for this project *smile* Fate always has its own way to encounter us… I have always wondering what will happen if I do not join this project, but one thing for sure is, I will have loss so many great chances to learn.

“The Heartstringers” Project is going to start all over again and I am more than just excited, I am enthusiastic about it *smile*. Eventually, we’ve meet the right adviser to guide us. I’m eager to make this work… God, please lend a hand to us, our hearts are truly genuine in helping the African Children…

I quoted today conversation…

Prof. Dr. Hamidin: “When a student is working on something, design it to be failed…”

Kak Maz continued: “Only that, we will know how to make it perfect…”

Life is looking pretty good now *smile*

06 Oct 09 Tragedy

Tragedy is the best way to discover who your real friends are…

~Sabrina Adam~

Something really terrible happened on 06 Oct 09 (Tuesday), around 5.30pm I guess. I fell and badly hurt, I’m not complaining, when I said bad, it’s really bad because I ended up with an open wound, two stitches, bawled my head of crying/laughing (for my own silly clumsiness), and my left hand can barely move now *sob sob sob*

It started like a normal fine day, I went to do my daily routine – bath and somehow it was too slippery in the bathroom and I fell, the jade bangle I was wearing broke the moment my hand hit the floor and it cut through my flesh *gruesome* The blood was oozing out and I had to ask for help from a Chinese junior girl. It was such a terrifying moment, I thought I was going to pass out because my hand turned pale and ice cold instantly… I can’t even think rationally. She cleaned my wound, led me back to room and applied antiseptic. Somehow I decided to take a photo of the wound while calming down, for the sake of facebook I guess, lol

I called OMK right after that and cried over the phone, it somehow calmed me down a bit and I started to laugh over my stupidity and unfortunate. Right after that, I made an emergency call to Mira who was about to have her nap *sorry sayang*. She rushed to my room in seconds (that’s the advantage of staying at the same floor =P) and was horrified to see the bright-red wound. She somehow forced me to go to the clinic because my plan was to let it heal by itself o_o

Then I texted OMK and asked him whether Gong gong was in the room or not but unfortunately he went out. I called Fiq fiq but he didn’t pick up his phone, we girls started to get panic in the room because Mira started to talk about infection and all those creepy medical terms. She is kind of “obsess” and a freak in medical field so she can blurt out all these terms =p

OMK texted me that Gong gong was on his way back to fetch me to the clinic *relieve*. I started to get dress with Mira and Ilah’s help, totally incapable in doing anything that time. Neo neo stopped by and gave me a very warm and soothing hug which tore me up again *hug*.

Finally, we were on our way to clinic and they told me I might need stitches for that o_o It turned out that Mira knew that I need stitches as well but she didn’t tell me because I surely will avoid from going to the doctor. *Grrrrr ~~~*

So, in the clinic, the doctor started to clean my wound which made it bleed again :-( I started to cry and luckily I had my guardian angel with me and held my hand throughout the process *heart* The whole process was like hell for me because it hurts! A LOT!!! Then here came the stitches, OMG… I can’t even look at it and only held on to OMK tightly and listened to his soothing voice… After the stitches, my wrist totally looked like Chucky… *sigh*

My parents and sis came to visit me just now and I am so so glad because I miss them so much and I enjoy indulging in their unconditional love *smile*

Despite this unfortunately incident which happened to me, I am grateful though :-) First, because it could be worse, the wound was so near to my artery and God knows what will happen if it cut through my artery. Secondly, I also realized how helpful my buddies and besties are, I owe them, a lot. And thirdly, my OMK, it has been a tough period for us because our relationship was on the rock recently and yet when he held my hand and went through every grueling process with me, I’m touch, I love you, no matter what happen between us in the future *kisses and hugs*

I love you guys, so so much…

My family, Kevin, Mira, Raymond, Neo, Kitty, Ilah, Syera, the junior girl, Fiq fiq, Qin Le, Sharon, Selina, Voon, my course mates, everyone who messaged me through FB and all those who asked me what happened and are sincerely concern!