Fille De Liberte

Moving On

2012-01-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

Last December, I was a mess. And I am glad that I am not much of a mess today compared to one month ago. Yet, I am still one and I am not the only one.

It is funny (in a sad way) how one was trapped and hung on to 2010 while 2012 was just around the corner. 2011 had been an amazing and blissful year for me and yet, when December came, I found myself drowning and gasping for air.

And, he noticed.

It is never easy, to react to a question asked by a person who had not spoken to you for one whole year. Yet, one year after the incident, we talked. The conversation was heart-wrenching and hard, for both of us. I was hurt, because I found out that all this while, he thought that I was mad at him. He was hurt too when he found out that this conversation ripped my wound apart instead of his initial genuine intention of stitching it back.

After the conversation ended, despite all the explanation and apologies uttered, none of us was happy because we did not attain the closure we needed from one another in order to move on.

I was beyond mess throughout the last 4 days of 2011, I was literally having a mental break down whenever I was alone and as pathetic as I might sound if I confessed this, the thought of suicide did came across my mind and the only way that stopped me was the thought of my sister. And I cast that thought away.

Yet, fate has a funny and cruel way of playing with our emotion.

Last day of 2011, we bumped into each other. It is one thing to talk to a person via text messages and it is another thing to actually stand in front of him and gather all your strength to raise your hand and say “hi”. That plastered smile on my face was the heaviest mask I had ever worn. My mind was clouded by his presence, even after he had long gone.

Just as I thought I am going to live the rest of my life with a hole in my soul, a kind stranger told me that “Health and happiness are by choice”. These words got me thinking and I found myself smiling again. Just like that. All this while I thought I can only be happy again if he gave me the closure which I thought I deserve but life doesn’t work that way, neither does love. Sometimes, it is you yourself who holds the key to happiness. It turns out that I need a closure from MYSELF, not him. All this while, I had been wrong, so wrong.

So, on the 3^rd morning of 2012, I contacted him and told him something which set both of us free – I’m MOVING ON and I want to see him HAPPY *smile* It was a beautiful morning in which I set my soul free, and as personal as this writing is, I am releasing all my thought and sentiment through my words. For I comprehend that life is not all rainbow and butterfly, I am bound to be poignant once in a while but this writing will remind me of how far I’ve made it and I am still making it. That’s why I am MOVING ON instead of MOVED ON. It’s a never ending process.

I’ve lost a lover but I’ve gained a friend. Now, I can smile whenever I think of us. His hands might be coarse from saving life but he has a heart as gentle and kind as the moon. There’s always this tiny part of my heart which is fulled with fond memory of him but it is time to make room for others. I am not closing this chapter of my life. I am just writing new ones now.

This writing might not reach you but my prayer will. So, be happy Tim. =)

And you too Sabrina.

It’s 2012 after all, I want to fly a kite and fall in love (again) *smile* Have a great year ahead my dear friends. My prayer will always be with you.

P/S: We can’t make others love us, but we can always make them happy. And that’s what love is all about :)

Mindy Gledhill - Feather in the Wind

I'm a feather in the wind

I'm up and then I'm down again
and though the places i have been
to heavens gate and 'round the bend

Things are never what
They appear to be
'Cause everybody's trying to grab a hold of me
So catch me if you can
Set me free again
Like a feather in the wind

I'm a reflection in the glass
'Cause i cant keep from looking back
And though the pages that i lack
Are stuck inside a broken past

Things are never what
They appear to be
So i'll dig a little deeper
Than what the eye can see
And if anybody asks
Making friends at last
With my reflection in the glass

I'm softer than a bride in white
But i'm tough enough to fight my own fight
Sometimes higher than a quivering kite
More lowly than a beggars plight

Like a fire in the night
I'm burnin up with all my might
Don't wanna flicker out of sight
Fade into the morning light

Things are never what
They appear to be
Cause only time will tell when
I'm ashes at your feet
So when i'm burnin bright
Let me be your light
Like a fire in the night

Things are never what
They appear to be
So many different pieces
Make up the whole of me
So hold me in your hands
Take me as i am
'Cause i'm a feather
I'm a reflection
I'm a fire in your direction
I'm unruly
I'm undone
So just love me as i come

Almost Lover

2011-11-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

The little voice in me: “Why you stopped writing?”

Me: “I am afraid with what I am going to write next.”

Not long ago, I made the decision to betray my heart and now, I am living with the consequences for every single day. I think my heart despises me now for she no longer beats for me. And I think I despise myself as well.

Yet, my mind convinced me that this is the only way to protect her. My mind talked me in and my heart is still trying to talk me out. At the end of the day, no one is winning because we are all bruising from this struggle.

He asked me: “What’s your biggest fear?” I told him everything but I kept my biggest fear hidden. I just feel that it is something that he needs to learn about me and not be told about. You would probably know my biggest fear by now but it doesn’t make me feeling safe and secure.

Because, he is not you.

Yet, he is the one I am with now. He’s the one I say my good night to, his good morning is what I wake up with. He’s the one that makes me smile and the one I go to when I cry.

Yet, he is not you and love is much more than that.

Now, I am the biggest critic against myself. I wake up feeling judgemental about myself and I find it hard to forgive that girl from the mirror who stares at me everytime I look at my reflection.

I can’t live like this. I can’t live a life with no closure. I’ve tried to be strong; I’ve tried to convince myself that I will be alright just by myself. But at the end of the day, my walls still came crumbling down, my defences were broken and I am succumbed to the root of all this mess - “loneliness”.

I am being unfair to him and myself. And one day, karma will get back to me and bite me on the neck. But, I need him, as much as I need you. But you don’t need me. Does he need me too? Or it is me who’s being needy all this while?

Tell me, what is relationship? What is commitment? What is love? Can one find love even when she loves the other for reasons other than love? Will she grow into him eventually?

I am a bad and selfish person. And I don’t deserve to be loved. I am emptier than the vessel but I make no noise as my conscience took my voice away.

You, I need you. But we both know that it's not going to happen. It's friendship that brought us together, it has always been friendship. A mortal should never fall for an angel but I did.

What's the point of writing if my words are hurting others and bring nothing but worry to everyone around me?

Like my writing, I shouldn't exist. I am sorry.

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I can not go to the ocean
I can not drive the streets at night
I can not wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?

Acceptance

2011-11-09T19:40:00.001-08:00

A Muslim’s perspective on Seksualiti Merdeka

"As a Muslim, if I were to chose where to put my time and energy to protest - it would be against corruption, child sexual abuse and polygamous husbands who marry more than one wife in the name of religion and then neglect their wives and children.

I would not waste my time to protest against a once in a year event that is organised by a small group of people who are already marginalised and discriminated.

I think there has been a lot of misconception of what Seksualiti Merdeka is about. For those who were planning to protest it, have they been to one of their events? It is not about having free sex, rather, it is about who you are, and who you can love without being harrassed or discriminated upon.

And if we do not agree with love between same gender, we do not have to support it. Just like we do not have to go to Genting or drink alcohol eventhough they are not banned in our country.

But eventhough if we disagree with homosexuality, we cannot deny that gays and lesbians are very much part and parcel of our society. They are our lawyers, doctors, engineers, farmers, teachers and politicians, not to mention our brothers, sisters, nieces or nephews. We may recognise the males as lelaki lembut eventhough not all of them are homosexuals. I personally know a few lelaki lembuts - one who holds a high civil service post administering the government coffers, one who is a PhD scholar, and yet another who devotes his life to helping people with cancer.

What would we do without these people in our country?

We live in a multi-ethnic and multi-religious society, much like in Medina when our beloved Prophet Mohammad lived. And following the footsteps of the Prophet, we have learned to accept each other’s differences. This is Sunah Nabi.

Prophet Mohammad was a leader not only for Muslims but non-Muslims as well, some of whom were Jews, Christians and pagans. He did not go and protest or ban other’s way of life or belief. All were allowed to practise their way of life as long as they do not break the covenant of peace.

Perhaps those who opposed Seksualiti Merdeka confused the word Sexuality with Sex. It has been misunderstood as Sex Merdeka, rather than Sexuality Merdeka. Sexuality is not Sex. All humans have a sexuality, whether you are gay, lesbian, trans, bisexual intersexed, or straight as an arrow. That means heterosexual. Sexuality Merdeka does not mean Free Sex, but the freedom to be your own sexual identity without being discriminated upon.

I attended it the first year in 2008. It was an interesting mix of art, music and lectures, including a very good one by the historian Dr Farish Noor about Hikayat Panji Semerang, a legend about a courageous Indonesian-Malay princess who disguised as a male warrior, like Mulan, the Chinese heroine.

There was nothing about go out and have free sex. In fact, it was affirming the diversity in our country, that no one should be discriminated or left out based on their gender, race, religion and gender or sexual orientation.

I do not find that against my belief as a Muslim and as a Malaysian. In fact, it affirms it. God says in the Qur’an:

“See you not that Allah sends down rain from the sky? With it We then bring out produce of various colors. And in the mountains are tracts white and red, of various shades of color, and black intense in hue. And so amongst men and crawling creatures and cattle, are they of various colors. Those truly fear Allah, among His Servants, who have knowledge: for Allah is Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving.” (Fatir 35:27-28)

Islam teaches us that diversity is a fact of nature. We are created differently so that we may know each other. In the verse, I think colours don’t just mean the colour of things, but the many different kinds of beings in appearances, behaviours and abilities. God said He could have created a single People, but He did not because He has a plan. It is to test our tolerance, compassion and mercy to embrace diversity.

“To each among you have We prescribed a Law and an Open Way. If Allah had so willed, He would have made you a single People, but (His plan is) to test you in what He has given you; so strive as in a race in all virtues. The goal of you all is to Allah; it is He that will show you the truth of the matters in which ye dispute (al-Ma’idah 5:48)

As we celebrate Hari Raya Korban, we enter its deeper meaning of sacrifice, of learning the value of life, and of sharing food with the poor.

Others may not understand this sacred practise. In the West, Muslims may not be able to sacrifice the cattle in an open field to commemorate Prophet Ibrahim’s submission to the Lord because of their hygiene policy. Other’s may protest and accused us of cruelty to animals, failing to understand its deeper meaning. But thankfully, I have not heard of any banning of our right to celebrate Hari Raya Aidul Adha.

I hope as we show mercy to others whose way of life we may not agree or understand, we will follow the higher Jihad, the Jihad to overcome our own personal evils, our little syaitans to judge others. For who are we humans to judge when the Final Judgment belongs to Allah."

- Mualaf, Kuala Lumpur -

Oct 8, 2011

2011-10-07T04:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day.

Excitement started to set in and I am genuinely happy.

Yet, I wish you were here for I am genuinely scared as well.

You will know just the right words to say and the right things to do.

Or,

The right things to write.

Even though you think you don’t.

But, it’s never going to happen. Isn’t it?

I should have known better,

I knew better,

But, I know now.

Silence means no.

I should have learnt my lesson.

We were breathing in the same air this day last year,

But, not tomorrow.

Hush, beat still my heart…

Long gone is the butterfly that has set ripples to this little fountain of my heart.

Yet,

It is still beating for you as if you never leave.

Do you?

Tête-à-tête

2011-09-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

"Ester asked why people are sad.

That's simple, says the old man. "They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people's ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams."

- Paulo Coelho-

Sometimes I wonder, why it stops? When I said “it”, I mean everything. Be it a good or a bad occurrence, natural wonders or human acts, things or people. Everything… Sometimes, something stops for a good cause; sometimes, it just simply left us wondering and longing for more.

By observing all that which are happening around me, I starting to see a pattern and realized that as much as I wanted to believe that everything stops for a reason, it actually doesn’t, it just stops. It seems as if it is the only way to regain the equilibrium of the universe when life is spiralling out of control.

Something wonderful stopped abruptly not too long ago and as hard as I tried to appear indifferent towards it, I know that I am gradually withering away with each passing day as I tried my best to comprehend what is happening. As the song goes: “Guilty feeling got no rhythm…” I starting to wonder do others feel guilty whenever they are unhappy because I do. I often feel guilty for being unhappy most of the time since I have so much to be thankful for. Yet, when it stops, I feel as if I have ceased to exist along with all his writing.

Yet, life goes on and as lifeless as I feel at times, I still finding myself carrying out all my daily tasks even by means with “autopilot” mode on. Frankly, there are still moments when I feel genuinely happy, the moment when I enjoy the great company of friends and family, the simple pleasure of going for an ice cream treat with the friends, the moment when I smile for the camera, the moment when I feel truly alive. Alas, nothing last, including happiness.

I guess the empty feeling of losing something which stopped abruptly never truly left, I am just suppressing it with all the happy thought and when night comes, lights are switched off, and everyone but me goes to slumber land, the feeling springs up and emerges, along with the darkness. It tugs my heartstring and makes me wonder, why it stops? Why everything good has to come to an end? I starting to think what I did wrong or perhaps it is because of what I haven’t done?

Sometimes I wish I could read minds, then, perhaps, I would have known what is going on in yours, or what it takes to heal your broken heart or, what to write and say in order to break the bubble which is entrapping you before you evaporate to the air completely. I want to save you, if you would allow me to.

Yet, after I've read what was written, I starting to see the light, everyone is searching for something in this short life of ours, sometimes we have a crystal clear vision of what we are searching for and sometimes we simply don’t. Most of the time, we don’t. As lost as you thought you might be, you are actually getting closer to what you’re searching for.

Perhaps you need to stop to start anew, even by means with the same person.

P.S: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. I believe she understands your predicament ;)

Breathing Underwater

2011-09-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

Feel like as if I am learning to breathe underwater lately.

Starting to embark on a new journey as a postgraduate but somehow it doesn’t feel right, apprehension and qualm re-surfaced and pushed me deep down to the bottom of the lake. Tried to swim back ashore but there are things which never truly leave once they appeared and this time, I persuaded myself to swim back to a place which I believed where I belong to - the bottom. What am I doing here? Am I seeking for a shelter to think things over or am I losing my courage as I swim deeper and deeper to the bottom?

When I was an undergraduate, continuing my postgraduate study seems like the most natural thing to do next. I wish I could feel the same way about it now. I am neither the bravest nor the brightest of all and yet these are the 2 vital elements in completing one’s postgraduate study. Realization of the lacking of these 2 elements is a huge blow to my self confidence as a student as well as a human being. Do I, Sabrina W. Adam, have what it takes to finish what I start? My parents have granted me with a generous amount of liberty and support for me to make my own choice and decision, disappointing them is never on my list and yet why I am feeling as if it is slowly creeping on to it?

While trying hard to shun all this negative thought away from my mind, we were informed by the doctor that mom is positive for 2^nd level high blood pressure. It was severe, any additional rise of her blood pressure, even a minimal one, would put her at the risk of getting a stroke. When that happens, there’s nothing we could do to retrieve it. Even though we are glad and grateful to have found out about it earlier so that it can be controlled by medicine, it doesn’t mean that it makes things easier. Knowing about it few days before I was about to return to KL for my postgraduate study makes everything harder, including leaving home. They always said that parents’ biggest fear is to lose their children, but I believe it works the other way round as well. When illness and death take us by surprise, you begin to perceive life in a whole new perspective. You begin to appreciate those who you used to take for granted and all of a sudden, you yourself are not that important anymore, including that dream you’re chasing after. I started to question my decision in continuing my study when it seems like I should be working and helping dad in lessening his burden. Voiced my opinion and was moved by dad's strong stand of me pursuing my dream rather than sharing his burden together.

With my parents’ persuasion that everything will turn out fine, I returned to KL with a heavy heart. And just when I was feeling a tad bit hopeful that things will work out fine, it actually got worse. Much to my dismay, miscommunication occurred with the staffs of a college which my friends and I were supposed to stay while pursuing out postgraduate study and suddenly I realized that I was homeless in KL. I was in this mess for 1 week and throughout that particular period, I had been scolded, scorned, and disdained by the administration staffs. My dignity was harshly stripped off from me when I had to literally plead for few extra days of accommodation just so that I had more time to search for other alternatives. The staffs, they showed me almost no kindness when I was asked to leave the college pronto or else I will be charged by day when they found out that I could not afford a RM 1000 room. I learnt to be strong, I really did but sometimes when it got too overwhelm, my shoulders felt too heavy and my heart was too jaded, I locked myself in the bathroom and I cried. And now, after a rough and tough week, I have found myself a place to live. Even though I did stood up for myself at the end, I will never allow myself to forget what it feels like to be looked down upon, what it feels like to be scolded, scorned and disdained when I was at my most vulnerable, helpless, and obscure situation. All these will be served as a reminder for me to treat others better.

Yet, I am still sinking.

Scars Within

2011-08-21T21:05:00.001-07:00

“La tristesse durera toujours”

Just when I thought I was going to be fine as I let life takes it own course, I was attacked by severe depression for twice this month. It’s funny how I subjected depression as if it is a human who’s capable of hurting others when the fact is, I was the one who should be held responsible for unleashing the beast from its dungeon.

Think of death a lot lately, especially when I was sick. It seems like as one is sinking into the deep hole of depression, illness will come knocking on your door to offer company for he knows, you will take his hands as there is no other hands you can hold on to. And I did. As I lay in bed for 4 days straight, even though my mind was clouded by all the medicine I consumed, I found myself thinking of both life and death and wondering, which side I belong to? For at times, I don’t feel like I am living and there are times when I feel like I am not exactly dying.

I am ashamed, of myself. I am ashamed for not being strong enough and allowing myself to dwell too much on the past. I thought I have moved on but I often caught in the storm whenever my mind drifts to a place knows as “the past”. I thought I have learned to protect myself but why am I still drenching to the heart with my own tears? I wanted to forget all that had happened last Christmas for it left me feeling nothing but used, abused, and unwanted. My trust on humans vanished on that day itself as well as part of me, part of me who was capable in sharing all the love I had got within me with others. I never get the closure I wish I would have gotten on this incident and it has left a massive, invisible scar all over me.

And now, after all the ups and downs as I am working hard to recover and wipe off all the scars I have with me, I have eventually met someone who has been with me all this while, someone who stays far away from me by distance but never by heart, someone who worth all my love and yet I am ashamed. I am ashamed for not having ample courage to let him know how I truly feel and I am ashamed of my past.

I am a burden too heavy to be carried by anyone and I realized. Maybe it is a wise choice for them to choose to leave instead of love me after leaving footprints in my life.

I hope people will never read this but if you did, I am sorry. I am losing some of my abilities for I realized that I am starting to play only sad tune on the piano, my painting is in black and white and before I lose my will to write, I must put my thought down in words. I am sorry I am living a life against what I have been writing all this while. All the writing of being happy and wanting to be happy. But it seems like I never truly achieve it no matter how hard and high I jump to reach it.

I want to recover and I want to be happy. I really do. Perhaps I should take a step back from the virtual world and spend more time with myself. Perhaps, it's time to reflect and to think.

Even angel feels helpless when she loses her wings, let alone human who loses her heart, confidence, and bravery.

Gary Jules - Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world

Nuna & Dongsaeng

2011-08-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

Now, I finally understand.

What it feels like to be well taken care of.

And most vitally,

What it feels like to have a brother.

He is Seok-Hoon Oh, my dongsaeng and I am...

His Nuna.

How I wish Korea & Malaysia are near to each other.

I miss you, take care :)

Did You Remember?

2011-07-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Did you remember? When we were kids, we used to run out from the house whenever we heard the plane? I believe that I was not the only kid who did that. When we were kids, we did a lot of silly stuffs, and somehow it all stops when we grew up. Is it the reason why we stop feeling as happy as we used to be? I, used to dream that if I waved hard enough, or jumped high enough, the pilot will eventually notice me and he will stop, so that he can get me into the plane and I will get to travel with all the others who were already on the plane. Much to my disappointment, the plane never stops. But I, I stopped all the waving and jumping as I grew up. Yet, the dream lives on. It is funny how life takes it course when we least anticipated it to be. Who would have thought that I will be given an opportunity for an exchange program to such astonishing country? Yet, I did.

It has been 2 days now since I got back from Korea and this writing has been lingering in my mind since the plane touched down in Malaysia but not only until tonight that I eventually have to chance to sit down and put it down in words. As much as I miss the Land of the Morning Calm, I am somehow relieved, to eventually returned and be with those whom I love.

Looking back at this period of 4 weeks which I lived in Korea, I must say that it has been a great journey so far, truly remarkable. Despite some of the trials and tribulations which I went through, especially when things didn’t go according to plan, and I was feeling disheartened and abandoned, I did my best to remind myself to be grateful of how beautiful life might turn out to be. And yes, it is beautiful. Especially when I realized that I am not alone, there are others who care and love, even when I was a mess and broken inside ;)

On my flight back to Malaysia, as the plane soared through the sky, I was astonished by how striking the cloud and sky were. If I were to imagine in what colours heaven will be like, it will absolutely in the colours of cloud white and sky blue in different shades. I remember the smile I had as I saw my reflection on the plane window. Throughout the flight, I let my mind wandered and my soul walked down the memory lane. As I was reminiscing all the places that I had been to, the people whom I encountered, and others fond memories which I shared with my friends, I also remember those in Malaysia whom I deeply missed and loved. It seems like reminiscence and remembrance walk side by side with each other, congealed and inseparable by tears and smile. That made me looked forward for my return to Malaysia.

This trip has taught me a lot and changed my perspectives on some of the aspects in life. I’ve learnt that, it’s a big world out there and I am just a small girl. But, I will never know what will happen next. Why wallow in my own sadness when there’s a big world out there waiting to be explored by me. What I can do now is to strive and work harder in order to make a better change within myself. Along the road, I might get hurt from some of the things which are done by either me or others. But, the healing ability which human possesses is what makes us beautiful and different. Perhaps, a little ways down the roads, after all the waiting, someone great will come along and change my life completely. He might be this particular someone whom I am falling for now, or it might not be him ;) Yet, I understand that different people walk into our life in different phrases and stir different kind of ripples. We can never tell what will come next but we can always learn from it. There’s a lot to be thankful with. And, if I have the chance to meet the younger me as she was waving and jumping at the sight of a plane, I will smile and stay with her as she waves and jumps because deep inside, I know that one day, she will have the chance to be on a plane and most importantly, she will turn out fine *smile*

Goodnight love :)

一首没曲子的歌

2011-07-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

这是一首没曲子的歌，

一首为你而写的歌，

好让你知道有了你，

我的世界多美好快乐。

我会弹琴不会唱歌，

不会作曲但爱写词，

每当我想念你时，

我会轻轻地哼着你爱的歌。

我们的关系多么奇妙，

一切情感以文字代表，

音乐也是一种讯号，

让你知道对我而言你多重要。

认识你后才知道，

缘份好幽默，

我们最遥远的距离，

却是我们最亲密的相聚。

我在感情路上，

跌跌撞撞，

你从不过问，

却以文字给于我依靠。

我总觉得自己不太属于这个世界，

常被吞没在陌生的人海里，

但，因为你我不在停留于边缘，

多期望自己能永远在你身边。

你是个没盔甲的骑士，

我是个没王冠的女孩，

我们也许比别人少了些什么，

但因为对方的存在却多了些什么。

一首歌不能完全地表达，

我心头里的话，

那么给我一生的时间，

让我为你弹琴唱歌作曲写词。

你的一生有可能是她的，

你的心有可能已经让她占有了，

如果真的是的话，

我多希望我是你心里的那个她。

当一个人失去太多后，

她不敢奢望拥有，

但，你的存在，

让我好想放下一切，好好去爱。

我知道，终有一天，

你会像蝴蝶一样，找到自己的幸福，

你也许不知道，

就像这首歌, 我的心非你莫属。

这是一首没曲子的歌，

一首为你而写的歌，

记得，如果有天你伤心难过，

我会默默地在原地守候，

也许有天你爱上我时，

你会为这首歌填上属于它的曲子。

;)

莎比那

二零一一年七月二十四日

UNMCK

2011-07-17T03:17:00.000-07:00

Today is my 22^nd day in Busan, Korea. Revisited United Nations Memorial Cemetery Korea (UNMCK) for the 2^nd time. Before heading to the cemetery, we plucked some wild flowers around Uni as a tribute to all the courageous fallen soldiers who fought not only for their nation but also for others who dreamt of peace and justice for their people.

I’ve been to loads of places since I got here but frankly, none of them beat UNMCK. Prior to my trip to Busan, I had googled map it and the 1^st place that caught my attention was UNMCK, I had been bugging my gangs to visit this place since day one but not until 9^th July 2011 that we eventually visited it. But, our 1^st visit was welcomed with heavy downpour. Hence, our movement was restricted and it was harder to snap a decent photo of this place. But then, it was still spectacular. Even when it rains. Today, the weather was scorching hot. It would have been perfect if not because of my severe sunburns that left me longing for a colder weather as the sun did no good for my sunburned skin. Yet, I am grateful.

The memorial cemetery is breathtakingly beautiful, regardless of the weather. Walking along the pathways, seeing rows and rows of grave stones and knowing the fact that under the ground, there lays numerous respectful and courageous fallen soldiers who had fought hard for the same dream, I can’t help but engulfed in deep thought on life itself. Standing near to all the flags which represent all the countries that had joined the war and surrounded by the grave stones, I wonder, how can a place so beautiful, feel so sorrowful?

Standing near to the Wall of Remembrance, I saw the names of the fallen soldiers which were engraved on the marble stone. I was overwhelmed by the numbers of names which were engraved. So many soldiers were sacrificed and the youngest was only 17 years old. When I touched the names on the stone, my fingers trembled, not because from the coldness of the marble stone but because I felt the heartbreak of those who were part of the soldiers’ life.

“Every soldier has a mother.” It was the first sentence that I heard from the introduction video of UNMCK and it keeps playing in my mind since the 1^stvisit. It was a simple sentence that makes my heart wrenched because we all know how truth it is. A soldier, he is not just a man who fights for his country. He is a son, a friend, a brother, a husband, a father, and he is an important someone for someone.

It seems like I have grown attached to this place, this place which reminds me of both life and death. Walking down the pathways, it was as if I was walking at the border of life and death, how close these two are to me. On one hand, I am celebrating life, on the other hand, I am reminding myself of how unexpected and sudden death could be. This, make me cherish and appreciate life better. We never know what will happen next but we can always seize the moment and live life with no regret.

I definitely would want to visit UNMCK again, at least once before I go back to Malaysia. For I would like to pay my respect and bid my farewell before I leave this beautiful country.

Life teaches me to love and death teaches me to live.

Be happy my friends and live your life to the fullest. May God bless you. *smile*

"If I Die Young" - The Band Perry

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

That Could Be Me

2011-07-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come.

But put them together side-by-side and they

have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life:

‘What if…?"

"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart..."

-Letters to Juliet-

A dear friend of mine just recently discovered that a guy she’s in love with all this while is actually has been in love with her as well for the past 5 years. Throughout all these years I’ve shared some of her doubt, her worry, and her insecurity. Hence, my heart goes to her the moment I was told about this matter. As I realized that she might be losing him when he leaves Malaysia to go back to US, I did what a friend will do. I persuaded her TO BE BRAVE and for once gather the COURAGE to meet him.

Alas, some things are easier said than done. I wonder what will happen to me if I were to be placed in her shoes. This dear friend of mine, she is brave by reaching out to me and shared what has been troubling her mind with the people she trusts. Because next thing she knows, she might have ample courage to reach out for the one she loves and live her life without regret. Will I be able to do the same? Or would I resolve to silence and nothing else?

I have been spending most of my nights here at the balcony outside my room, staring at nothing but the darkness of the night and letting my mind drifts. When one is standing at the balcony so high, lots of thought forms and takes shape of the one whom she misses the most. I have been living here for 20 days now, numerous exciting things happened and still happening, finding myself enjoying and treasuring the life I have here. Met few interesting chaps, having numerous intriguing conversations with them but that’s all. For somehow, I realized that I am missing a particular someone who is in Malaysia now.

Is this love? Like other questions I have for myself, I don’t have an answer for this one. But, one thing for sure, this is definitely something stronger than what is known as friendship. Yet, every night the same question comes to me along with the soothing night breeze: “What if this is love?”, “What if he is the one?” Am I making mistake by choosing to be silent and feeling not good enough to love and be loved?

They said “Good things come to those who wait”. So I did, but I starting to feel that maybe I should stop waiting and start pursuing. Yet, with confidence, comes insecurity. What if, all this is never meant to be anything but mere friendship from his side?

If only he knew how far he has walked into my life and how happy he has made me with his writings. Unlike my friend, it seems like I can never gather ample courage to let him know how I truly feel.

That could be me who will be with him but I only have the courage to be with him though the music I play, the painting I paint, the photos I take, the sunset I see, and the letters I write.

He is a summer butterfly that I can never seem to fly with and a nonexistent knight that I can never seem to be with.

Yours,

Sabs ;)

Day 1 (Part 2)

2011-06-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

I believe that one of the ways to learn about the local culture of a foreign country is through the lifestyle of their people. And what could be better than going to the local supermarket and observe the lifestyle of the Koreans in order to learn about them. So, I am pleased when my friends came out with the idea of us going to the local supermarket after our dinner. Everyone gladly accepted that idea since we had nothing much to do and a walk will do us good after having such scrumptious meal which is provided daily by the university. I am really glad for the fact that I am a Korean food lover for what is served here is truly typical Korean dishes which consist of Kimchi in every meal (even breakfast).

Since Korea is hit by typhoon now, the chances of raining are much more higher compared to other seasons. Predictably, our 20 minutes walk to the supermarket which is known as “Mega Mart” was accompanied by extremely heavy downpour and chilly wind which left us soaking wet and shivering under our umbrellas. Still, I don’t mind even though knowing the chances of me falling sick are high. It was worth it because Busan is beautiful, even when it rains.

However, I encountered my 1^st obstacle even before I get into the supermarket. Apparently, one is not allow to bring in backpack to the supermarket and unfortunately I had one with me. So, I was stopped by a security guard at the entrance. 2^nd obstacle came when I couldn’t comprehend a word he said and he didn’t understand me as well. When he “signaled” me to the locker, I finally understood that I had to leave my backpack in it with the payment of KRW 100 (RM 0.30). I later found that I will get my money back when I returned the key. Then, here came the 3^rd obstacle, I can’t figure out how to use the locker since it is all written in Korean and the security guard was busy attending other customers. Sharon came in rescue and helped me to ask the passerby as I took care of my stuffs. However, most of the passerby did not understand English and we can’t speak in Korean. A lady tried to help and spoke to us in Korean enthusiastically despite the fact that we tried to explain to her that we can’t understand a word she said. Eventually, she gave up and continued with her shopping and this was when the security guard came and showed us another locker section. We eventually figured out the locker ourselves and the problem was solved. Through this incident, I leant that when English doesn’t work on some of the Koreans, tried body language instead, you will be surprised by the result *grin*.

So, I got into the supermarket and found out that it is not much different from what we have here. It’s just that, almost all the products’ descriptions are in Korean so it could be confusing at times if you are looking for something specific. Other than that, it is fine. We went and got ourselves racks to hang our clothes. Since I had nothing else to buy, I had more time to observe and look around while others were looking for their stuffs.

I found out that even though some products could be cheaper compared to what we have in Malaysia (ex: dairy products, wine, etc), most of them are pretty expensive especially if one is planning on saving in his/her trip. So, you might want to be careful with what you spend in Korea.

Apart from that, I also found out that the Koreans take their jobs seriously. I observed it in both the airports as well as the supermarket. Rules and regulations are something which is strictly adhered by the workers and they have good work ethics. Something we Malaysians should look up to and learn. Another element that caught my attention is their enthusiasm. We were at the supermarket when it was night, it means that the workers had been working for long hours till then. Yet, instead of sulking like a deflated balloon, I am surprised to find them in such good spirit. The promoters were promoting their products enthusiastically, the cashiers were polite to the customers, and the other workers were attending their obligation responsibly, no procrastination. It is something good to observe.We were really glad that the rain had stopped when we went back to the university. Or else, all the things we bought will be soaking wet.

Well, it is my 1^st night in Korea as I am typing this entry, the view from the balcony is magnificent so I stopped from writing for a while to grab my camera and snapped few shots of Busan surrounded by the beauty of night.

Though I miss my family dearly, I am really glad that I made the decision to come here *smile*

Good night everyone!

Sabrina W. Adam

26 June 2011

11.05pm

Day 1 (Part 1)

2011-06-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

After a long night of travelling, I am finally here in Busan, Korea. If I was to have been asked to choose only one word to describe this trip, it will be the word “chaos”. A total chaos…

Despite this, I am secretly enjoying it. As a matter of fact, I like every single bit of it. From the gorgeous sunset at KLIA, nerve wrecking plane-chasing moment, the overwhelming pressure I experienced during the take off and touchdown of the planes, the absolutely terrifying turbulence, to the long hours of waiting and wandering in both Vietnam and Korea airports.

Despite some of the unpleasant experiences which I encountered – rude passengers, overly strict airport officers, and etc, Vietnam and Korea are indeed stunning countries. When our 1^st plane was about to touchdown at Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam for transit purpose around 9pm, I was in awe with the beauty of the city which was brightly lighted with lights that made it shone in the darkness of night. Even though I didn’t get a chance to explore this country on that day itself, I am glad that I was there, even for few hours.

After that, around 12am, our 2^nd plane took off and headed to Busan, Korea. Bear in mind that it was still my virgin flight. Hence, I was still easily distracted and startled by even the smallest changes or disruption. By that time, everyone was already quite worn out and I was dozing off when the flight attendants served our breakfast at 1am. Not wanting to waste the food, I managed to eat up (excluded the main course which tasted way too exotic for my liking). After that I went to a deep slumber. Alas, it didn’t last long because our plane was hit by turbulence. I was startled by the turbulence which appeared to be much more serious than what we experienced on the 1^st plane. At the same time, I saw lightning racing against each other to spark up the brightest glow which made my heart beat faster with each lightning struck. After a while, it was as if everything had gone back to normal and the plane was stable again. So, I went to the toilet to freshen up. But, who would have guessed that when I was on my way back to my seat that the turbulence re-struck the plane and caused me to fall flat on the ground. That, was a hurtful fall. Once I got back to my seat, I did nothing but pray for that’s the only thing that gave me peace at that moment.

Finally, here I am, safe and sound in Busan, typing this entry at the airport while waiting for the representatives from Pukyong National University to introduce us to our new home for the next 5 weeks. And now, I’m looking forward for an adventure, OUR adventure.

Sabrina W. Adam

26 June 2011

10.00 pm

Night Of Many Dreams

2011-06-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

So, I will be flying to Korea within the next 24 hours. Who would have thought that all this would ever happen? It is quite surreal knowing that I will hop on a plane and be on a foreign country for the next 5 weeks.

I was laying on the bed yesterday night and was engulfed by the similar feeling I was having on the night before I entered the university. It was like an emotional cocktail which derives from a mixture of different feeling that come in at the same time. It makes me feel off balance but, in a good way *smile*

Despite all this, I know that my family is feeling both anxious and glad for me, I could see it in their eyes. I have been fighting with myself a lot recently, trying hard not to be all tearful and emotional. Yet, I am really touch for the fact that dad asked me whether I am bringing my telekung to Korea or not before he asked whether I have ample pocket money with me. I believe this is what love truly is – You care not only about the other person’s welfare but his/her soul as well. Mom is her same old self, she has been taking care of all the details meticulously since day one, even the little details which I often carelessly forget. I would have been a mess without her and she teaches me love is when you willingly put yourself aside and let the other person to be the centre of your life, and you wouldn’t even mind to come in second or, last. As for my sister, I was almost at the verge of crying when she expressed her intention of wanting me to have some of her saving because she feels that I need it more than she does. This baby sister of mine, she teaches me that materialistic possession is nothing compared to our sisterhood bond.

Though their eyes, I’ve learned what love is. *smile*

So, I am learning to be brave now, by gathering this little courage of mine to say “Goodbye” to all the people whom I deeply care and love. I know, 5 weeks will pass by like a gush of wind. I will be saying “Goodbye” to the people whom I will meet in Korea before I even realize how fast time fly. Still, I reckon that I will be missing everyone here. For God’s sake, I am missing them even when I am typing this entry.

I should have gone to bed now, it is going to be a long day tomorrow. Yet, I know myself only too well to have known that instead of laying quietly like a little girl, I will be tossing around the bed once I am on it.

It is going to be a night of many dreams ;)

Take care, love.

If I Was Her

2011-06-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

I was “amused” by the innocent idea of the Obedient Wives Club which proposed that – “A man who is kept happy in the bedroom would have no reason to stray, seek prostitutes or indulge in any social vices.” On top of it all, this club even offered sex lessons to help wives “serve their husband better than a first class prostitute.”

As a woman, I am deeply disturbed by this ridiculous suggestion and it leads to this writing as I put myself in the shoe of a married woman.

This future husband whom I am about to write a letter to, he might exist, he might not exist. Yet, I still carry on with this letter for it serves not as a warning but as a reminder to both of us, should our marriage be on the rock someday.

“You know before you know, of course. You are bending over the dryer, pulling out the still warm sheet, and the knowledge walks up your backbone. You stare at the man you love and you are staring at nothing; he is gone before he is gone.”

-Elizabeth Berg: Open House-

To the man I once called husband,

Did you know that when a man and a woman decided to build a home together through marriage, they do not only share the present moment, but they exchanged their past and intertwined their future? This is a sacred bond which can only be cultivated and achieved through marriage that brings two different people from two different families into one.

When we walked down the aisle on our wedding day, my hand in yours and yours in mine, blessed by our family and friends, I believed that I was made to love you. I believed that I saw nothing but kindness from you. Little did you know, it was not only my hands you were holding but my heart as well when you said “I Do”. I can still hear the echo of your vow from a distant memory.

Yet, after years of marriage, you decided to slam that picture perfect image of yours to the ground and broke the promise you had once made to our family and me.

When you decided to have an affair and seek for prostitutes, did you know that our home is crumbling down with every step that you made away from our home? Each and every decision that you made has turned our marriage into nothing but nothingness. For years, I have kept silence for there was a small part of me which believed that you will be back on the right track and you will again be the man whom I was married to.

Yet, after years of silent nights and tucking in our children all by myself. I realized that I have had enough. It is one thing to believe in a man you love and be obedient to him, but it is another thing to believe in a man who does not respect your family and most crucially you. I decided to confront you and I was shocked, by how ugly our marriage had become. My questions were answered by nothing but sheer rage and uproar from your side. You turned the table on me and I was blamed for our broken marriage.

You said I was no longer the woman you were once married to, the fun and care free woman who will hop on a plane to a random destination with nothing but my camera and bright smile on. You complained that our kisses are no longer sweet and sexy, I do not make crazy and passionate love to you. Well, for your information, I am still capable of all these but I decided that you no longer deserve them all when you first started the affair and seek for the prostitutes. I am not denying your right, I am just protecting mine.

Did you know that when you want us to leave everything back home and hop on a plane, our first child was about to have his first piano recital on the next day? Did you know that on that night when you want me to put on that alluring lingerie you bought me and make sweet sweet love to you, our children were having food poisoning and I had been in and out of the hospital for the whole day while you were on a business trip with your colleagues whom their names I have never heard of? Frankly, were you truly ignorance of all these or you chose to ignore? Our children are not our obstacles but they are our choice and priority.

Along the way, both of us have to grow up and make our marriage works. Obviously, you refused to do so. Hence, here I am, fulfilling all the grown up obligations.

I will not blame the women whom you have affair with or the prostitutes whom you seek. The reason is not because they are women, but because of the fact that they exist only to fulfil the men’s demand. They might fulfil all your sexual needs but ask yourself, did they fulfil what your heart truly needs? Or, you don’t have one to begin with?

I am leaving, with our children. You might say that I am cruel, you might say that I am being inconsiderate. But all these accusations are nothing compared to what you have done to our family. I will raise our children all by myself, like what I have been doing for the past few years. I might be struggling in balancing both the role of a father and a mother but I rather do so than allowing them to grow up with of a man whom they called “father” but his dimming shadow is the only thing they can recall about him.

I believe that women are not the sole subject to chastity. As much as the society demands the women to respect and be obedient to their husbands regardless of any circumstances, I believe that men are subjected to such moral value as well. For, we are equal in God’s eyes. I have done my part and it is time to stop myself from compromising you. I am not a victim, our children are. I, I see myself as a survivor and I will make sure our children survive too.

You were once a man I called husband and I was once your wife. We were once deeply in love with each other but we both know that this marriage has came to an end. I do not leave you and this marriage with hatred, I am taking back what were once belong to me – my self respect and dignity. You were once the centre of my universe but now, I realized that there are others who are bigger than you – our children. They are not the centre, they are my universe. As your wife, you have broken my heart in many ways possible; as their mother, you have never broken my spirit.

I wish you well.

From,

A mother who was once your wife.

Equilibrium

2011-06-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Our being is subject to all the chances in life. There are so many things we are capable of, that we can be or do. The possibilities are so great that we never, any of us, are more than one fourth fulfilled.

-Katherine Anne Porter-

Finding myself missing a lot of things and people lately. I miss the strong chlorine scent of UM swimming pool, the steep slope which leads to my residential college, the never ending stairs of my faculty which left us breathless (literally), the gentle evening breeze at the varsity lake that I used to jog around, lecturers and friends whom I had shared my tears and laughter for the past 3 years and the sensation of putting my thought down in an email and share it with someone who cares. There are countless random thoughts which remind me of UM from time to time.

I always wonder, how one always misses there when she is here and vice versa. How I wish I could have them all but similar to day light and night time, instead of existing together, they make way for each other so that the equilibrium of the universe can be achieved. I guess our life works the same way as well.

I have been home for almost 3 weeks now and everyday I learn to re-adjust myself with the life back home. And I wonder how long does one need to re-adjust her life from what she had been leading for the past 3 years. Instead of attending all the gatherings like I always do with all my hometown friends, I have been spending a lot of “me-time” by living on an “island” which consists of no one but me. I guess I am just not ready for all the excitement yet of me finally finishing my 3 years of study.

Hoping to make myself useful, I went for 2 job interviews but to no avail as I might be leaving them on September if my application for Master is approved. Rejection, God knows how “good” I am in dealing with it from my previous experience. Again, commitment issue is raised and this time I am the one who can’t commit. Eventhough it is slightly disheartened to be valued by the period which I am able work but it is always good to go out and meet new people, gain more experience and draw more insight on my future work prospect.

Apart from that, life here is calm and peaceful but sometimes it reaches a point in which the silence is deafening and life can get pretty mundane. Hence, to kill the boredom, I decided to pick up an old routine of life which I had before I went to UM, Who knows, it might lead to self discovery. So now, I spend my time re-learning all the piano music pieces that my fingers and mind have long forgotten, re-practicing Yoga since I have been putting on weight, re-developing my interest in painting by starting it off with a new sketch book and colour set but most of the time, I read. I have been trying to finish up all the unread and untouched books from the shelf and so far, the progress has been good. To add icing to the cake, my interest in learning to cook decent meals is growing and I learn new things from mom everyday.

I guess underneath all these routines, what I am trying to do is to re-discover myself. And yet, at times I feel more dead than alive. All these familiar routines make me safe but they fail to fulfil this emptiness within. I am yearning for more, and the worst part is, I don’t know what I am craving for and lacking with. What did I do wrong?

I should be grateful but there’s something within me which anticipates to be released.

It is still a long journey in finding what I really need as opposed to what I want.

Till Death Do Us Part?

2011-05-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

There are many ways to commit suicide. Those who try to kill the body violate God's law. Those who try to kill the soul also violate God's law, even though their crime is less visible to others.

-Paulo Coelho-

While the news regarding the young Alviss Kong who committed suicide still fresh in our mind, I came across another news of a Singaporean teenager who committed suicide yesterday. The reason was none other than – Love, and I wonder, how many more suicide cases will occur in the future?

Everything which is happening to our world makes me realized that life itself is an irony. On one hand, we have people who are struggling every single day to piece their shattered life back together into the perfect picture it used to be. On the other hand, we also have people who willingly smashed their mirror of life to the ground so that they can walk away. I understand that I am in no position or authority to judge or criticise all these incidents but when the news of suicide occur so frequently whenever I read the papers, it got me ruminating on life and also humans’ behaviour.

When I was a kid, I used to think that people who committed suicide have nothing in their mind but sheer idiocy, that was when I was still shielded and protected by my parents and I have absolutely no obligation to attend to. Yet, as time passes by, I realized that life is not as perfect as I envisaged it to be. And to my horror, I also found out that I was suicidal…

I reckon that there are people who believe that I am exaggerating from the way they perceived me as an individual. Before this, I have had people who came to me and said what a perfect life I have in my hands and how grateful they will be if they own what I have now. Little did they know, my life is not perfect, no one’s life is perfect… There’s nothing wrong or unfair with this remark, that’s just how life supposed to be – imperfect.

The thought of hurting myself came to me once but I never told anyone, not even my family. It is because sometimes, there are things that we never talk about, not because we don’t want to but because we can’t. You must be wondering, then why am I talking about it now? It is because deep inside, I know that I can help even though it hurts so much to talk about the past.

Whenever I look at the photo of the person who committed suicide, or read about the report of the incident, I will be thinking of how lonely and hopeless that person felt when he/she decided to take that drastic step of ending his/her life. I once felt the same way too, when the tip of the ice cold blade rested on my wrist, all I wanted was to feel and embrace the pain for I thought it will numb and vanish all the sadness and anger I had within me. Then, the images of my family came to my mind and brought back all my long-gone senses. I realized that the pain which I will feel was nothing compared to the pain I will inflict on my family. I will not have to bear the scar on my wrist but my family will have to bear the invisible scar that cut right through their hearts for the rest of forever. That force alone gave me the will to put that blade down and cast that negative thought away.

Life doesn’t take a beautiful turn after one has decided not to hurt him/herself, one still have to face the music, one will still find him/herself grieving over matters which lead to the thought of suicide. I was still struggling for a period of time after I’ve abandoned the thought of hurting myself for it is not as simple as it seems. But, there’s always something that will help in the process of healing. In my case, it’s music. I started to take up piano lessons and immerse myself in practicing. As a slow learner, I took more time in mastering a music piece but it helped me to focus and kept my mind off things. It helps. It really does.

My point is, regardless of the fact that whether you’re an atheist or a God follower; a believer or a non-believer; someone with or without a house to go home to, there’s always something or someone that will help you to go through all these trials and tribulations. As someone I respect very much once said this: “Have faith and we’ll eventually get what we deserve. Above all else, we’re always being loved, by one or many.” Even at times you feel as if God has abandoned you, family and friends casted you away, society disrespect you. You still have Y.O.U.

It is ok to be fearful or lonely sometimes, everyone does, including me. The most vital thing is, love yourself because when you learn to love yourself, you’re actually one step closer in making this world a better place to live in.

Don’t be afraid of death but don’t rush for it either. There’s always something to look forward to in life, be it a sunrise or sunset, a gentle caress from a beautiful butterfly, or someone to love and go home to.

Life is imperfect, that’s why it is beautiful, so are you ;)

Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth

I was a

quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins

All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys

Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you

Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth

Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat

Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks

Pissing on magazine photos

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold

And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you

Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth

Big pill stuck going down

It Is Still A Goodbye

2011-05-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

‎"If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?"

-Jodi Picoult-

Early in the morning after Mother’s Day, we received a call saying that Granny had passed away in her sleep. How irony it is, one day before we received the news, we were celebrating Mother’s Day happily and I got to shoot few photos of the sunset at the seaside and feeling contented with life. Death do have his own way of reminding us that he is as near as the air we breathe in, don’t he?

Due to the fact that I still had two papers to sit for, it was impossible for me to go to Ipoh straight away for the funeral. I was actually planning to take a bus to Ipoh right after the exam. But then, my family called and told me that the funeral will end today - the day I finish my last paper. It is a huge blow, knowing that I won’t be able to pay my last respect to her and I can’t be there for my family, especially mom.

As a child who is brought up in a nuclear family, I am never close with any of my grandparents. At times, I even feel awkward when I am left alone with them. The closest persons who relate me to my grandparents are my parents and they love them so for that reason alone I am always learning to do my best to feel as part of them.

Yet, not a single tear drops since I have learnt about Granny’s “departure”. And I wonder, is it possible to grieve without tears? At first, I thought that there must be something very wrong with me because I had been behaving like a total opposite me for the past few days. But then, when I was in the examination hall this morning and looked at all the empty seats beside me and realized that today was the day that she will be cremated and I was not there, an overwhelming sadness came to me and swallowed me like a giant fish. For a moment, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Despite this, I am grateful that I am blessed with beautiful people who always make me feel better and allay my sadness. After the exam, I went out for a lunch with Belle, Jess, Selina, and Voon, too bad Sharon and Mira were not there to join us. These girls, these 6 awesome girls with beautiful hearts, I will be a lost ship without them and they always anchor me back down whenever I am lost. We were so happy today, basked in the warm of each other’s companion but when we had to say our goodbye at the parking lot, I felt as if I was being swallowed by the giant fish again.

Ready or not, I still have to say goodbye. And today, I said goodbye to both my granny and my friends. The former was done without me being there, the latter was done with me being there with them. But, both are equally sad and heart wrenching. And, it is still a goodbye. If only there’s no such thing as “goodbye”. If only we can be with people who we love dearly forever. If only…

Tonight is that kind of night which I wish that I don’t have to go to the bed alone, I know that I will curl myself at the corner as usual and listen to nothing but my own heartbeats while ruminating on life itself. I need an angel, my angel.

Death is not terrifying, it’s just sad. So is goodbye.

好不容易

2011-05-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

很喜欢方大同这首“好不容易”.

第一次听到这首歌时,　MV还没发行,　我就只能靠着想象力，一面听一面想象歌词里所描述的画面.　过了不久,　 MV终于发行了．虽然和自己想象的很不一样,　但，还是很喜欢，因为这首歌让我想起即将步入人生另一个阶段的好朋友们.　

有些朋友说,　不习惯用华语打部落格的我．坦白说,　刚开始时,　我也觉得有点别扭．自从考完SPM后,　就真的很少用华语写字了. 高中六时,　甚至连写日记都换成英语了．是因为那时学着英文文学吗？还是因为贪新鲜?　不晓得.．．搞不好下次我会用国语打部落格，也不错,　还没试过 =P

但,　最近的我真的好像很常用华语打部落格．虽然打字的速度比平常慢好多,　也经常错误百漏．但,　总觉得有些情感只能用华语正确的表达.（还是因为我的表达能力差? =D）

现在想表达的情感应该是那份想要给予身旁好友们祝福的心情吧 :) 今年年头时,　好不容易能和好友们相聚．看着大家那逐渐迁变的生活，心里百般滋味,　其中一位好友对我们说如果一切顺利，　她应该会在今年注册，明年就结婚了.　刹那间，我突然明白,　那十七岁，青涩的少年不在掌心里了.

看着好友们一个个找到属于自己的幸福，身为朋友的我，能给予的除了祝福还是祝福，　不好意思的是, 大家竟然像妈妈一样为我着急．虽然我觉得单身是件正常的事, 但是, 身边好多朋友们还是对单身的我感到好奇.　每当他们问起, 我却只能以微笑回答.

爱，其实很简单．但, 不知何故，当它遇到我时, 一切却变复杂了.　

我记得小时曾经在日记里写下一行句子,　直到现在我都不能忘了它.　

＂莎比娜只是个比华人更华人的马来人而已＂

我记得，因为被学校的小孩嘲笑，这行句字是哭着写的．它像是个对自己的警惕，虽然我从来不在意别人的背景来历，有些人还是会嫌弃我的不足.　俗人目光所带来的伤害, 真的很伤人.

这一路走来,　虽然还是会遇到自己喜欢的男孩但, 我真的没勇气去追求那属于自己的幸福．因为我发现，喜欢我的男孩到后来还是会放弃那颗想要爱我的心与念头．

所以现在, 我不敢打开心房，也不敢去爱.　我给不到未来的他一个感人的教堂婚礼，他将牺牲的事也太多.　我，不敢去奓求．

有时, 还是会希望能遇到一个像爸爸的男孩. 一个能把我的不足看待似优点的人.　一个能把伤口换成蝴蝶的男孩.

他, 是存在的．毕竟,　他是个天使的化身 ;)

他, 看得见我吗? 他, 听到那为他响起的铃声吗？

两个人能在一起，真的,　好不容易．

朋友们，祝你们幸福 :)

方大同　－　好不容易

太多人失意　太多人忘記

太多人都說愛情失重無影

愛　也許是我的　愛　也許是他的

愛　也需要你做媒

聽說人呻鳴　聽說人分離

聽說人都說愛也無法證明

壞　別在數我的　怪　別在訴她的

再也不視你的美

我在這裡　帶著你　很值得　一直我會愛著你

心服的　心不捨　一切都不可思議

因為愛的只有你　我已換了自己

我意識到　好不容易　好不容易　好不容易　愛到你

總有人堅定　總有人相信

總有人懂得愛能深刻無底

愛　也許是我的　愛　也許是她的

愛　也許要你做媒

我在這裡　帶著你　很值得　一直我會愛著你

心服的　心不捨　一切都不可思議

因為愛的只有你　我已換了自己

我意識到　好不容易　好不容易　好不容易　愛到你

我還有萬事不會　已聽不少無可到老的承諾

世界裡　有多少胡不歸

而我有我知己　陪我度過四季

沒有什麼在這一生　可求

我在這裡　帶著你　很值得　一直我會愛著你

心服的　心不捨　一切都不可思議

因為愛的只有你　我已換了自己

我意識到　好不容易　好不容易　好不容易　愛到你

What’s Next?

2011-04-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself"

- Paulo Coelho -

Looking at my blogspot entry, I must say that I am genuinely surprise as I only produced one writing this month. Well, two, if I include this writing. The point is, it seems like I have lost my ability to put my thought down in words despite everything which is happening in my life and also things which are going through my mind currently. I have so much to say but something is missing, the will or the driving force to write. And I wonder why.

Few weeks ago, I fell asleep almost instantly every time I hit the bed due to the fatigue from racing with the deadline to finish up my Final Year Project and also the musical practice. Now, the musical had ended, and I had handed in my Final Year Project. Of course, I am happy but somehow, I feel as if a big part of me has been missing and I feel awful. I am having sleepless nights again, and it seems like I am having the same insomnia I was having back in December. And I am terrified.

Two words have been occurring in my mind frequently which is “What’s Next?” Frankly, I don’t have answer for my own question and at times I feel as if I am a lost soul who is drifting through the wind, making stops here and there, witnessing other souls who found their ways home and I am still struggling to find my way out.

I feel as if I don't exist...

Pa and ma are not getting any younger and yet I am still like a kid who is lost in her own “theme park”. I have so much to share but I can’t bring myself in burdening them with my insecure remark of not knowing what the future holds. I want to provide them with the best living as how they have been providing me for the past 23 years. But, am I good enough? Do they put their hope and faith in the right person? Am I the right person? I don’t know…

I will be going back to UM tomorrow, my 1^st paper for my final examination is 2 days away and I am doing my best to retain my senses and not letting my mind slips away like how she has been for the past few days. What’s next when the examination ends? Will I be continuing my study? Will I be working? Will I be juggling between these two options?

What’s next Sabrina? What’s next?

I don’t have an answer…

A Walk Through Time

2011-04-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Eventually, the musical had ended, the curtains had been drawn and the stage lights had been switched off.

Yet, life is just about to begin.

Today is an overwhelmingly emotional day for me. It is the last day of my three years study as an undergraduate. The fact that we wrapped up the last day with our final performance with our own production of musical "A Walk Though Time" makes it even more significant.

This morning started off chaotically with everyone feeling jittery and excited for the upcoming performance in few more hours. Everyone was rushing in and out from Angsana Hall and yet when I went to the back of the hall to just look at them, everything and everyone was moving in slow motion. How I wish I have photographic memory to imprint a collection of mental photos in mind regarding today and more beautiful days to come.

But, I don't. Hence, this writing...

Regarding the performance, we are more than pleased. It seems like all the hard works are not in vain. Everyone put their best foot forward and worked not only as a team, but as a FAMILY :) As we were waiting for our turn, we could actually felt the thickening apprehension accumulating. When the moment eventually came, we knew that it was a Do-or-Die situation which even motivated all of us to put in extra effort to make everything works. As one of the performers, I am eternally grateful for the wonderful audiences we had. Every smile, every approving nod, every applause was a great motivation for us and it lifted all the doubt we had when we performed.

My coursemates, they are the most wonderful audiences I could have ever asked for. When I was on the stage, alone, performing my solo part, accompanied by nothing but sheer insecurity and terror. I looked at them and I knew that there is nothing to be terrified of when the fact that they were there to support me. When we all were together, as a class, on the stage, hand in hand, reciting the final sentence from our choral speaking, I felt nothing but sheer delight and gratefulness.

When Dhayalan played our video which was brilliantly done by our Technical Team, despite the tears that blurred my vision, I knew that most of us had gotten teary and wept silently in the darkness. The moment the song "Graduation" by Vitamin C was played, we knew that it was our cue to stand up together as a class and hand out the beautiful flowers to all the lecturers presented.

Since the moment I opened my eyes this morning, whatever happened today had been surreal and hard to believe in. I am still in the so called "emotional roller coaster" state as I put my thought down in words. And, I am still crying. I am unsure when I will come back down to the ground but I am sure that tonight will be a sleepless night.

No one has ever said that farewell is easy and no one has ever said that farewell is avoidable, it is because we have learned from our hearts that farewell is hard, and farewell is inevitable. If I was to be given a chance to go back to the past, I would have rejected it. It is because I have lived with no regret though out these three years and the memory we shared is beautiful. Its time to move on, together :)

You know that you're truly in love with someone when his/her smile is your joy and his/her tears break your heart. It seems like I am in love with my coursemates, all of them.

I love you all :')

-Amirah-MinYao-Sabrina-Megan-Mariam-Filza-Ma Lan-Sheila-Wai-

Ashli-Dhayalan-Sajjini-Krystle-Jess-

Belle-Moon-Sharon-Selina-Syera-Voon-Asha-Tika-

李香兰

2011-03-25T05:28:00.000-07:00

总觉得最近的我好不争气,

明明已经答应了自己不再乱哭,

但还是违背了对自己的承诺,

又哭泣了.

几年前, 无意中听见“李香兰”这首歌,

就已觉得好好听,

但, 随着岁月的的流逝,

我却渐渐地把它忘了.

最进, 又无意中让我听回这首歌,

心里百般滋味,

同样的一首歌, 却在不同的人生阶段,

带来不一样的含意.

总在人群中感到无比的孤单,

是我太敏感吗?

还是我就是那么地悲观?

我自己也搞不清楚.

他们说, 没人喜欢愁眉苦脸的我,

所以, 努力地说服自己,

我是快乐的,

但, 有时, 我不.

昨天, 跌到时,

才发现原来自己,

没有想象中那么地勇敢,

没有想象中那么地坚强.

但, 为了不让他人看见自己不争气的泪水,

笑着拼命的说: “我还好,我还好!”

宁可躲进那单薄的外壳,

也不要让他们操心.

他们说: “那又何必呢?”

但,我一向来都觉得,

自己是渺小的,自己是隐形的,

所以, 总是觉得不该让他人担心.

但,今天, 当我再次聆听 “李香兰”时,

却发现自己没那么惆怅了,

因为我想起了, 远方的你曾告诉我,

我也是值得的.

你的鼓励, 我会铭记于心.

谢谢你, 学长 ;)

张学友 - "李香兰"

恼春风

我心因何恼春风

说不出

借酒相送

夜雨冻

雨点透射到照片中

回头似是梦

无法弹动

迷住凝望你

褪色照片中

像花虽未红

如冰虽不冻

却像有无数说话

可惜我听不懂

是杯酒渐浓

或我心真空

何以感震动

照片中

那可以投照片中

盼着我

时间裂缝

夜放纵

告知我难寻你芳踪

回头也是梦

仍似被动

逃避凝望你

却深印恼中

Of Quran and Bible

2011-03-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

With no intention to shun other religions away but it seems to me that Islam and Christianity have somewhat make their ways to the headlines more frequently than others recently. With the Valentine’s Day commotion by Dato' Ustazah Siti Nor Bahyah still fresh in our mind, our nation has once again under the attack of religious argument regarding the confiscation and the detention of the Malay language Bible at Port Klang and Kuching Port by Home Ministry of Malaysia. The reason is because of the ministry’s pending court appeal of “The Herald’s” use of the word “Allah” in its publication. The Christian society expressed their concern and had been appealed for the Bible to be released. Now, even though the government has lifts the impoundment of the Bible, another problem emerges. The Malay language Bible can be circulated in Malaysia only if it is stamped with “For Christians Only”.

This occurrence has caught my attention when I first read about it and I have been questioning the act of confiscation since day one. As the occurrence goes and develops until what it is today, it has eventually inspires me to put my thought down in words. Throughout this whole occurrence, numerous questions have been raised and argued about by various parties who are either for or against the confiscation of the Malay language Bible. Those who agree with the confiscation of the Bible expressed their concern that it is likely to confuse the Muslims and draw them to Christianity. Whereas those who are against the confiscation of the Bible expressed their concern towards Islam which seems to be over empowering towards the freedom of other religions in their publications of translated sacred texts. Worst comes to worst, the publications of translated sacred texts with the main objective of guiding and educating its devotees and also those who are interested in that particular religion has abruptly became a security issue.

The polarised views of the Muslims and the Christians regarding this occurrence are getting severe and as we can see, it is dividing and tearing us apart from each other. Some of those who agree with the confiscation of the Malay language Bible think that I am overreacting due to my mixed-parentage background. They questioned my devotion towards Islam and claimed that I am easily confused and influenced by other religions because I “mingle” with friends from other religions “too much”. Is that it? Are they trying to suggest that by befriending people from diverse backgrounds and religions, I am not broadening my mind but exposing myself to the so-called “hidden agenda” my friends have in store for me? This is, ABSURD. The truth is, you don’t need to be born as a mixed-parentage child to feel the apprehension occurs between races and religions. You just have to be “sensitive” towards others’ feeling and be “sensible” when it comes to your judgment. You can feel the tension from your friends who are troubled and distressed when their religions are attacked. You sense and share their plight, their sorrow, and their rage. You feel how they truly feel.

For those who agree with the confiscation of the Malay language Bible, have you ever thought why it is brought in to Malaysia at the first place? Did you realise that not all Christians are fluent in English? Have you ever thought that the Malay language Bible might be intended for the native bumiputra communities of Sabah and Sarawak who are educated in Malay language? Did you even know that the English Bible is another translation as the Bible is originally written in Hebrew for the Old Testament and in Greek for the New Testament? Have all this questions ever occurred in your mind before you start bombarding them with criticism and prejudice?

Dear Malaysians, as we are fighting and tearing each other’s face off due to races or religious issues, the victims in Japan are uniting as a nation in helping each other to go through the dire situation in their country. Aren’t we guilty or ashamed with our behavior? Did you remember the incident which took place in Egypt where the Egyptian Muslims attended the Coptic Mass for Christmas and served as human shields to protect the Egyptian Christians against Muslim extremists? Not long after that, the Egyptian Christians joined hands to protect the Egyptian Muslims as they prayed in the midst of tumult in Cairo. Only one question playing in my mind whenever I think of this touching incident, “When Malaysians? When?”

I love my country but sometimes, the politic and the media are making it so hard for me. Yet, I still find myself believing and loving it. Did you know that the driving force behind it has nothing to do with our politicians or the whole ideology of 1 Malaysia? It is actually my friends, my friends from diverse races and religions who strengthen my belief towards Malaysia and retained my colourblind-ness with their altruistic personalities and devotion to what they believe in.

As much as I like to talk about Yasmin Ahmad in present tense, deep inside I know that others will still referring her in past tense. Hence, whenever all these incidents occur, I often think of how Yasmin Ahmad will respond to this and that makes me missing her so much. If only all the Malaysians are able to perceive the world as she is, then, this writing won’t even existed.

But when, and how?

Regardless of the fact that whether it is a Quran or a Bible or any other sacred texts, RESPECT it. Don’t shun it away from your life, don’t be terrified of it. I comprehend that some of us are worried of the confusion we might be facing if we read something beyond our comprehension, but that does not mean that we should avoid or resent it. This is when belief comes in. Establish a strong base of your own religion first before you expose yourself to others. Read, and keep reading. As you read, think. Strengthen your Iman at the same time. God is always by your side, so what are you afraid of?

As how The Quran is meant for all human kinds, the Bible and other religious scriptures deserve to be treated equally as well. When we come to think of it, the stamp “For Christian Only” on the Malay language Bible is redundant and unnecessary. If only the government understands this and trusts the people more.

Yet, what we can do now is not to lose hope in such circumstances, continue to strive hard and pray. The potent strength from religious is indisputable. So, have a little faith my friends *smile*

Peace out.

莫名

2011-03-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

下雨天时,

总感到莫名的感触;

感触之余,也感到莫名的落寞,

及莫名的惆怅.

下雨天时,

总爱撑着那把小伞到处慢步;

就这样一个人,

莫名的在雨中慢步.

明明知道自己容易感冐,

但还是固执的往外走;

外套也忘了穿上,

纯粹是因为爱上雨中慢步那莫名的自由.

下雨天时,

总爱聆听那滴滴溚溚的雨声;

心里也总是莫名的希望,

能用钢琴为远方的你弹一首曲子.

下雨天时,

灵感总是莫名的到来;

我把它容进笔迹里,

也让这难以言语的心事随雨而逝.

下雨天时,

当闪电与雷声一阵阵地传来;

我总是莫名的期许,

能在你身旁, 让你倚靠.

下雨天时,

总不介意被雨淋湿;

因为我祈望,

希望远方的你能在雨中看见我这隱形的翅膀.

下雨天时,

总感到莫名的感触;

感触之因,

是因为那返璞归真的感觉吧.

-莎比娜-

二零一一年三月十一日

All About Your Heart

2011-03-02T02:18:00.000-08:00

“Love does not make us stupid or blind, it just makes us more humane.”

-Sabrina Adam-

Love, how it makes us smile, how it makes us cry. While some of us are running towards it, there are also some of us who are running away from it. Heartbreak happens when you fall in love with someone who is running away from love.

How often have we heard about songs or stories which tell us about the foolishness or blindness which love caused? How often have we felt like a fool who is blinded by love and driven by nothing but passion? I felt like one too long time ago but now, I beg to differ.

I believe that love does not make us stupid or blind, it never does, it just makes us more humane. This fact petrifies some of us because when love does not only bring out the best in us but also the worst, we start to feel as if we are spiraling out of control, we are no longer our own self. For some, it is a nightmare, and they start to blame it on love.

Everyone is afraid of something. Some think that they won’t be able to face death; some think that they won’t be able to survive in the darkness. There is always something which bothering us but for me, it’s not just it. I think human’s biggest fear is when one has to face and confront his/her own deepest emotion and love is capable in triggering such deep emotion.

This deep emotion, regardless of the fact that how strong it can be, it is confusing at the same time. It troubles all of us and yet, we still find it bewildering and intriguing. So we start to go near to it, the closer we get, the more attracted we are, and gradually, we become attached to this deep emotion. One day, when we find ourselves inseparable from this deep emotion and our world does not only revolve around us, we start to panic and blame it on love.

We behave such way because of the insecure feeling which we have within us. Even though we proclaim ourselves as the most brilliant species on earth, we are bound with abundance fear and insecurity as well. We are actually masked. But, when we fall in love, we take that mask away and reveal our strength and weakness to the world. For some, this is stupidity and blindness. But for me, it makes us a more humane person. A person should not only made of flesh and blood but he/she is also defines by his/her own strength and weakness.

How can love make us stupid or blind when it is actually teaching us the true meaning of life? A mask might shield you from the reality of this harsh world but how long can it be? You might think that love weaken you out but it is actually toughen you up through the trials and tribulations you might be facing.

So, don’t run away from love…

Because I am not *smile*

P/S: If I give my wings to you, will you fly towards me or away from me? ;)

All About Your Heart

-Mindy Gledhill & Kendra Lowe-

I don’t mind your odd behavior
It’s the very thing I savour
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one

My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go

Oh, I’ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart

You’re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you

7 pm Bus

2011-02-28T08:05:00.000-08:00

I’m typing this entry as I am waiting for my 7pm bus to Melaka at Terminal Bersepadu Selatan in KL. Frankly, I never really enjoy the whole process of taking a bus ride home as the previous bus terminals terrified me with the overwhelming crowd and extremely unhygienic environment. But I quite like it here, this new bus terminal which feels more like an airport and it makes me feel safe as well. It is still early, my bus is not here yet hence I have chosen this seat which is near to the huge glass windows in which I can overlook the scenery of Bandar Tasik Selatan.

Sun is setting now but the sky is grey as a huge downpour just ended half an hour ago. The roads are empty compared to the hectic schedule of the KTM and monorails which move rapidly. The familiar sense of loneliness accompanies me here as my eyes are gazing towards the windows and my hands are typing this entry. Journey in life is indeed a lonely one and sometimes, no matter how much I enjoy being with myself, I wish there is someone to share with.

As an adult, it seems like we are spending more time away from home. We are constantly on the move, we are spending more time in the hostel room, at the bus terminal, at the airport, somewhere else other than home. There’s always something else which keeps us occupy. And when we eventually stop, even for a while, for a sit or for a sip of coffee, it strikes us, this tugging feeling we have in our hearts all this while. Instead of confronting this feeling, we choose to suppress it. It happens when we choose not to share our life with the other soul. It happens when we choose to wait for that “bus” alone. We make all these choices because it seems like it is the simplest way to deal with life. Yet, when that tugging feeling strikes us again, we realize, perhaps we should not have made that choice at the first place.

No matter how hard you convince yourself that you are happy, there will be time in which you just wish that you belong to someone. For me, I know that there is always a home for me but I just wish I also have him to go home with. But I don’t.

At some point in our life, we all are waiting for a 7 pm bus to bring us home and perhaps, secretly, we are waiting and wishing for that special someone to take the ride with us.

Someone who is mine.

-24th February 2011-

Let The Bells Ring

2011-02-23T21:23:00.000-08:00

"Every time you hear a bell rings, it means that some angels just got his wings"

-It's A Wonderful Life"

Woke up this morning and heard myself saying “It’s time to stop”. It’s time to stop feeling dejected, it’s time to stop wallowing in self-pity, and it’s just it. S.T.O.P.

When one is struck with disaster or tragedy which seems to have taken her sanity and joy away from her, she is allows a certain grace period to grieve and deal with the sadness. But how long is enough?

Found myself smiling in my sleep yesterday night and I miss it, I miss the feeling of being happy for no reason and I despise that broken smile of mine.

I wonder when it begins? This feeling of wanting to be happy again.

I guess it started few weeks ago, on 11^th February. I was at a book store with Jess and Voon and overheard a conversation between a little girl and her mother. The little girl was holding a book entitled “This Is Love” and that very book store was playing Bruno Mars’s “Marry You” when this conversation took place.

Little Girl: "Mommy, why did you buy this book?"

Mother: "This is for Daddy sweetheart”
Little Girl: "For Daddy?"
Mother: "Yes, so later when we go home, you help mommy to wrap this book up beautifully so that we can give it to Daddy as a present next Monday ok?"
Little Girl: "Ok Mommy!"

It made my day and it made me smile.

All this little things in life do make me think. It gives me chance to reflect on my behaviour recently. On how guilty I am for taking life for granted just because I have broken my heart.

I think the time has come, the time for me to let it go. I have had my time for grieving, for sadness and it is time to make way for happiness. I'm not going back to December.

Somehow, someone great will come along. I want to have faith in him whom I haven’t met yet. That someone who listens to Linkin Park and yet still have Nat King Cole on his playlist; someone who keeps track on all my writing but never ask me to whom I am writing for; someone who writes and understands the hidden meaning of my writing.

Someone who will never take my wings for granted but willing to ring a bell for me so that God will give me my wings back after I have fallen from grace. Someone who will catch me when I fall.

When I put it like this, it seems like this particular SOMEONE has came along.

It is still too early to tell but a girl can hope, can’t she? *smile*

What say you? :)

P/S:

I am going home today and I hope I will get to go to the beach to take more photos of the sunset. And while I am there, I will be thinking of how beautiful that sunset will be if you are there with me.

It seems like this writing is for you after all :) I'm glad you have started to write again.

Valentine O’ Valentine

2011-02-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

2 more hours to go before a brand new day approaches and for some, its not just another mundane Monday, its Valentine’s Day. Recently the upcoming celebration of Valentine’s Day has caused such commotion and uproar among Malaysians. Personally, I think that some Malaysians have been overreacting towards this issue. It is heartrending to have to witness how skeptical some can be and lately, this skeptical-ness has taken a worst turn and altered to prejudiced remarks. Yes, this writing is a respond towards a widely circulated video which is posted on You Tube and Facebook regarding the issue on why Muslims shouldn’t have celebrated Valentine’s Day.

At the beginning of the video, the Ustazah was sharing her knowledge and explaining with zest on why Muslims should not have celebrated Valentine’s Day. All the historical and factual data have been poured out from her eloquent and well-arranged speech. I did not feel anything amiss as I watched her video attentively and absorbing the new information. However, I was baffled beyond words when she started to relate some negative issues and behaviors with the Christians. As they said, to err is human, even though it is common for humans to make mistakes or say the wrong things regarding issues in which they are not familiar or ignorance with but it is always best to not have judged others prior to thorough research. Hence, I find it unacceptable for a person like her to have said such prejudiced remarks.

Her decent intention to educate the Muslims is good and comprehensible. She cares about the Muslims and no matter how offensive her remarks is, I believe that there is this part of her who wanted to save the souls of her fellow Muslim brothers and sisters from the agonizing punishment of hell. But, is that a necessity to have made such offensive remarks in relating the Christians with the activities such as “maksiat, ber-couple, pergi disco, bersunyian-sunyian. As a Muslim, I feel ashamed and offended because throughout my life, I have met plenty decent Christians, as well as Muslims. They are my friends, they have been through thick and thin with me and I have witnessed numerous friendships bond which occur between a Muslim and a Christian.

All this while, my neutrality towards people from diverse races and religious seem to have brought me either friend or foe. As a Muslim, it seems erroneous to others for me to have such strong opinion on this particular video. After I shared this video on my Facebook page and voiced out my opinion on this issue, I have had people who confronted, threatened and challenged my knowledge on Islam and Christianity. Little did they noticed, I never have claimed to have been fully understand Islam and Christianity. How many of us can stand up, raise our hand and proclaim that we have a full grasp on all the words of God? But did that stop us from voicing our opinion on religious issue? No. And why did some of you try to stop me now?

I admit that I am not the best Muslim on earth, heck, I am not even half as good than most of the Muslims out there but I believe in HIM who seated above and watching every step we make. Yes, I do not know everything about Islam but there is one thing which I know for sure – Allah never teach us to hurt others while spreading the beauty of Islam to the world. You might not be holding a sword but don’t you know that words kill too? Think about it.

Peace out.

Trapped Dragonfly

2011-02-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

I heard some buzzing noise when I was at the college lobby yesterday. As I was looking around trying to search for the source of that particular noise, I saw a dragonfly was trapped at the other side of the glass door. She was lying flat on the ground, unable to fly no matter how hard she moved her wings. She was trapped.

At that moment, I saw what that dragonfly saw, she saw a world outside her own through the transparent glass door and yet somehow, she failed to reach it. I felt what that dragonfly felt, she felt mystified as to how she failed to reach out even when the world was just within reach. That instant, I wallowed in self pity, both for her and myself.

Ask yourself, how many times have you feel as if you were living in a world of your own? The glass door which held the dragonfly is your source of tumult and misery. You are troubled, by something which you can’t comprehend. You are trapped, in a maze created by the world and yourself. You want to reach out, so much, and yet something at the back of your head tells you that perhaps you should stay where you are. You won’t be happy, but at least you will be safe, in your own world. Your own lonesome little world in which no one comes in and you don’t reach out.

I have always thought that dragonfly is a beautiful, mystical creature, just like butterfly. Somehow, their symmetrical proportion always gives out a feeling of independency and freedom to me. Little did I know, they are as fragile as a heart can be. Hence, I can’t bear this forlorn sight of a trapped dragonfly. That sight just brought in too much excessive emotion and sentiment throughout my healing process.

Deep inside, I know that I can’t cure my own broken heart but I still can cure others. Even by means a little dragonfly’s delicate heart. So I went near to her and opened that glass door. It was a breath taking moment when she looked up and flew away. Like a fighter, she never looked back…

I wish I was as strong as her. I wish someone would open that glass door and set me free. Now, I started to think that, perhaps that particular someone whom I have been waiting for all this while is me, myself.

I guess I was never fully healed.

你的道歉, 我的轸悼.

2011-02-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

总觉得自己在那一夜突然长大了,
平安夜的我是快乐的,
因为你把你温暖的手心,
轻轻的握着我冰冷的双手.

多久没让他人轻轻的牵着自己的小手,
就这样简简单单的牵着,
那年的平安夜,
你让我放下许久的防备.

傻呼呼的我没发现你从来都没对我许下山盟海誓,
我天真的以为和你在一起的时光是永恒的,
夜未落幕, 但你却放下我双手,
轻轻地说声“对不起”.

圣诞节早晨的我是哀愁的,
委屈的泪随着你的离去寂寞地落下,
我的双手也不在那么暖和了,
但最难受的还是我那颗淌着血的心.

你的道歉,
我的轸悼,
但我们从没怨恨彼此,
你我也何尝不是一样的难受?

把自己反锁在那落寞的房间,
不断地听着弦子那首“你是你的”,
我多想爱你,
却只能在你心菲外徘徊.

我无法控制这执拙的惆怅,
我的多愁伤感让你窒息,
我们行同陌生的路人,
觉察对方却不再过问.

原来快乐是如此的短暂,
幸福与你从来都是个不属于我的童话,
我要的不是那一句“对不起”,
而是你真心的对我说声“我爱你”.

-莎比娜-
二月七日二零一一年

Le Cynge

2011-01-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

A fragile state of health reflects a fragile state of mind. As this fever is taking me over , I start to think that it has something to do with the enormous depression which I’m sinking into now.

It is overwhelm to think of the tremendous impact a person can cause you.

Honestly, it’s nobody’s fault, there’s no one to be blamed but myself who should be held responsible for getting myself into this situation. Now, when I look at the mirror, I know I owe myself an apology and explanation but I’m just another coward who is too feeble to even face myself. So I rather evade the act of looking at myself on the mirror and choose to walk away. I left my pride and happiness along with my reflection in the mirror and imprisoned myself with my own angst.

As my self-esteem-o-meter reaches its lowest point drastically, I begin to feel that I’m not good enough for anything or anyone. The image of a drowning white swan appears in my mind more frequent now whenever I’m listening to Camille Saint-Saens’s Le Cynge, I used to imagine how strong that white swan was as she was struggling to put up a good fight in order to survive. But now, in my vision, she does not even bother to keep herself alive because she is letting herself drown so that she can die peacefully at the bottom of the lake where no one will remember her. She does it in such graceful manner as opposed to me.

On some of my worst days, I try to seek for a great escape but I am still entangling in my own web of torment. I want to play my piano, be it a simple tune but it is miles away from me, so I ended up tapping my fingers mindlessly on the wooden table; I want to loosen up and run freely around the lake but this excruciating pain which I will feel on my legs every time I run makes me think twice, so I ended up sitting on the grass and looked at others.

Now, I only want to go home and seek for the strength in hoping to pull myself out from this mess…

A big part of me is missing and January or not, it still feel like December to me.

Unlike the white swan who dares to face death, I am just another pathetic fool who writes about the past.

Fall too hard this time...

If I was being given the 2^nd chance to start this all over again, I’ll still do it again you know, I’ll still fall in love with you. I know we are different, but I'm not ashamed of my love. I'm letting you go now to drift with the wind.

Thanks for the beautIful Memory. Take care *smile*

Talking To The Moon

2011-01-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

January almost comes to an end but she is still living in December,
She has been searching for a reason to be gaiety and yet she is not,
She is still holding on to that shattered pieces of dream from a distant memory,
And she is still missing you.

They asked her,
Why is she reluctant to open the door for another him who is ready to take her in his arm,
The answer is simple, she can’t betray her heart,
How can she fly with another him when her wings are with you?

They most agonizing reminiscence is not when you left her,
But it is when you said “I’m Sorry”,
She is far from perfect,
And yet when she’s with you, that void within her disappeared.

When you flew away from her,
You took away her wings,
She is fallen from grace,
Like a forlorn angel who has been casted away from heaven.

When you sealed her lips on that beautiful silent night,
You took her breath away,
And she has forgotten how to breathe,
Until today.

You wished her well apologetically,
But that’s not what her heart needs,
Her heart and her,
They need you, more than you would ever imagine.

The moon is in perfect shape tonight,
It illuminates her heart,
The sky is in streaks of purple tonight,
And she sees only you in her eyes.

She walks down the memory lane,
Accompany by no one but her own sorrow and solitude,
And she knows,
That’s how it will always be.

She is talking to the moon,
For it is the only way to remember you,
She is shedding tears behind closed door,
For it is the only thing she could do.

Without you in her life,
She is thrown in disarray,
Her life is stark and bereft of hope,
Just like mine.